Crumblejon

Crumblejon

[A shrivelled, sinewy old man glares at you with one eye. He looks expectant in a weary sort of way, like he's already bored with you, but he's got to talk to you anyway.]

Reply

Who are you?

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Join my squad!

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Bye

Crumblejon

Crumblejon.

Crumblejon

No.

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Why do they call you "Crumblejon"?

Crumblejon

Because of my crumbling bones. That's enough questions now.

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Can you actually lift that weapon?

Crumblejon

No. Go away.

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That's a really long beard.

Crumblejon

It's the source of my power. Stop pestering me!

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Why are you so old?

Crumblejon

LEAVE ME ALONE!

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Join my squad!

Crumblejon

FINE! I'LL JOIN YOUR STUPID SQUAD!

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Yay!

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Nah, I changed my mind.

Crumblejon

FUCK YOU!

BLOODY FUCK YOU! / I'M GONNA FREAKING KILL YOU!

Crumblejon

Fuck.

Crumblejon

I'm too old for this dog shit.

Crumblejon

Really, I'm too old and sinewy. You don't want to eat me...

Crumblejon

You'll kill me, cook me up, take a bite and spit me right back out...

Crumblejon

... You can't even understand what I'm saying, can you?...

Crumblejon

FUCK.

Crumblejon

I'm getting too old for this madness...

Stay on your toes. A downed man is no reason for complacency. / My back hurts. / Hnngh my back is killing me... And believe me, it hurts as bad as it looks. / Folks these days. There's no humility. / I may have a few extra creaks and wrinkles but, heck, I can still pack a punch, ho ho ho! / Go home little whelp. / Don't try fighting an old dog, little whelp. / Keep playing big dog and you won't make it to puberty, little whelp. / Respect your elders. / No respect in war these days. / Call that a beard?

Crumblejon

Med kits?! Back in my day we didn't have med kits!

Crumblejon

That was a close one. My wife would be worried...

Crumblejon

This wouldn't have happened back in my youth...

Crumblejon

Hnnngh, my bones hurt...

Crumblejon

Don't be mollycoddling me, chumbo! I'm stronger than you'll ever know...

Crumblejon

Speaking of which... should probably go find her at some point really...

Crumblejon

They wouldn't have landed a single hit on me. Ah, to be back in my prime again...

Crumblejon

Reach fourty five and you feel pains you never would have thought even existed...

Crumblejon

I was fighting ninjas while you were still suckling in your mother's womb...

Bystander

Yes, you did.

Crumblejon

I fared well in the UC, you know. The nobles found me 'exotic', see...

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Wait... fourty five?! You look over a hundred!

Crumblejon

Oh... yeah, we did.

Bystander

Wait, you've got a wife?!

Crumblejon

But then my lord passed and I was left an old ronin dog, drifting the lands unwanted...

Crumblejon

Guess that's what I get for not wearing my straw hat in the desert...

Bystander

... I... don't even know what to say to that.

Bystander

...

Crumblejon

Of course. It's not a problem though, we have an open relationship, see...

Crumblejon

Now I'm the butt of jokes. My bones crumbling away along with my fame.

Crumblejon

I'm sure she's found someone else to warm the bed in my absence...

Crumblejon

Nothing ever lasts. Status never lasts. You'd do well to remember that, young' un.

Bystander

... Too much information, old man. Too much information.

Crumblejon

Will you give me a massage? I feel incredibly stiff...

Crumblejon

I'm too old for this madness.

Crumblejon

Retirement in Mongrel wasn't so bad after all, it seems.

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I, uh... I'm busy, actually... *mumble*...

Crumblejon

Then I'll massage myself if I can just... reach...

Crumblejon

*snap*

Crumblejon

Hnnnngh...

Crumblejon

Getting sloppy in my old age...

Don't... underestimate... an old man... / You don't live as long as I have without learning a few tricks... / This old man don't stay down so easily... *spit* / Thought I'd stay down, eh? *hack* / Won't get rid of me that easy. Don't let the grey hair fool you... / They call me 'stubborn old man' for a reason... *spit*

Crumblejon

Know what they called me back in the UC? The White Ripper.

Crumblejon

Let me show you why...